Going Back Home

Now I know going back home is supposed to be something you do around Thanksgiving, or Christmas time, but for those of us who can’t afford holiday airfare, we wait just a hair bit longer.

So I am on my track back to the state of O-H (and everyone else says??), and I must say I’m a mix of excited and…scared? I’m honestly not sure if that’s even the right word. Nonetheless, it’s been a pretty long time since I’ve been back home and to be honest, I’m not sure what to expect.

Sure, I still complain about how much my life is in a constant rut where I wake up every day to the same thing here in Sunny California, but at the same time, I’m starting to hit my comfortable stage. The stage where I KNOW what to expect in my day. Catch my drift?

Going home I’m going to be catching up with people I haven’t seen for weeks, months, and years! Not to mention I’m going to be in snow! I haven’t seen snow in a YEAR..now that’s pretty impressive (in my opinion) for a native Ohioan. I’ll be seeing how much everyone’s changed. My friends, my city..my home.

Now I’m not going to lie. If I look back five years from now and see myself where I am now..I think I would be a little disappointed, but this new year, I promised myself I would try and see things in a different perspective. For instance, last year, I would’ve seen myself as a failure. Someone who graduated from college but couldn’t get into her first choice grad school nor get a full time job AND struggling. When I could see myself as a recent college graduate, trying to find her direction, and is somehow managing living on her own in expensive California, but nonetheless, SURVIVING. Kinda makes it sound a little more positive..hopefully..

Well anyway, here’s to a new adventure in a new year. According to the Chinese New Year it’s the year of the sheep (my year!), so hopefully it’s a lucky one?

Or..I’ll just keep praying (:

Life After College…

…was not at all how I imagined it.

To tell the truth, I am a bit naive, foolish, and perhaps too hopeful, but why should that stop a twenty something year old from “making it?”

But what does “making it” even mean? What does it mean to be successful now-a-days? If anyone could give me a straightforward, positive answer, that would be much appreciated.

Nevertheless, here begins the story of my postgrad life..er rather, here begins the story of, “what the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life?!”

So graduation happened. May 2014. I can still remember the hugs, the final goodbyes, and all the pictures (obviously, since they’re still on Facebook). “I’m free!” I thought. No more papers, no more 7:30 AM classes, no more one-on-one meetings with professors, no more “caf food,” no more roommate, just no more! My initial feelings were liberating. My mother always told me I could never graduate from college, and here I was, able to rub my degree in her face. Graduation was honestly a great day.

Then the next morning happened. “What are you going to do now?” I thought. What was I going to do…

I had graduated that day with a History and Political Thought degree. Now I know what you’re thinking: “You really can’t get a job with that degree.” And my response to you, world, would be: “Hey! For once in my life I stuck with a degree that I was interested in, is that so bad?!” I had two paths to choose from after graduation: Law school or …something else? I know, great choices (note sarcasm). And, as many of you could guess, I chose the latter.

To be honest, the drop out rate for law school, the increase of my school loans, and the fact that I would have to stay another three years under my mother’s negative roof petrified me. Sure, I lived the past two years away from home, but that was college! Living with my mom again was something I was not prepared to do after two years of glorious freedom. On a side note, I love my mother, I really do. She raised three kids on her own and sacrificed a lot, but that does not erase the fact that she is still a stereotypical, crazy, Asian mother.

After my decision, my mother did what all crazy Asian mothers would do…she disowned me. If I wasn’t going to go to law school, welp, then I’m no longer her daughter. Well, that’s great. So here I am, this twenty something girl from Ohio stuck in a rut. So what do I decide to do? I go back to California!

That decision in itself was foolish in many ways. One, I didn’t have a real plan. Two, I had no job. Three, I had bills and loans towering way higher than the leaning tower of Pisa! Also, I just randomly decided to buy a used car (aka I just gave myself another bill). I made so many random decisions in the span of two weeks that I was freaking out! This was incredibly unlike me. I’m calculated, I think things through, and I certainly do NOT just “go with the flow.”

So my wonderful older sister made the drive out with me from Ohio to California and man did we book it! We made it across the country in two days with my tiny Honda Civic and I began my life in California. I was a tad bit lucky because for the first couple months, a great friend of mine and I decided to live together for a little bit, house sitting for our professor, so from May-July, things were great. Everything was within walking distance and I was able to get a job with the bank that was a few blocks from the place.

Then the fact that I would be homeless kicked in and I started hating my new job each day I went. I began scrambling for a new place to live, whether it was from Google or craigslist, I was desperate! During my house search, I was able to land another job at a Presbyterian church and my new boss let me stay at her house for a couple weeks dog sitting, while I was still searching. The anxiety and the panic consumed me. I was working 30+ hours, not getting enough money, and my bills were getting higher instead of lower. I seriously thought postgrad life was supposed to be the time where you find your decent paying job! The time where you stretch your wings! Okay..now I know I’m getting a bit cheesy, but still! This was horrible. I began questioning whether or not I should go back home and beg my mom for forgiveness. But..I just couldn’t do it. My pride took over.

I started going to a Korean-American church a week before my boss was going to give me the boot from her house. To say I was pleasantly surprised is an absolute understatement. The congregation as a whole welcomed me so much that first day, tears were welling up in my eyes! I began building new friendships and connections, that I genuinely started believing I was meant to be in California.

I was able to rent a room in a house for a decent (but still super expensive!) price and I still hated going to work every day. But hey, somebody has to pay the bills! Then September rolled around and I was able to get another job at a law firm (thanks to the church I was going to), and I was able to pick up extra violin students at a middle school my college had referred me to. So by September, I was working a total of 5 jobs and working 7:30-8:30 days.

Then something hit me.

I didn’t want to live like this. Every day after work I was exhausted, and every day after work, I still wasn’t making enough to pay my bills! My students loans were constantly knocking on my door and each day I felt like my heart was getting heavier and heavier. But something was different this time. This time, I had a community. Now granted, my aunt, sister, brother, best friend, and boyfriend were constantly supporting me through my transition, but they also had their own life to lead that they couldn’t always hand me a piece of chocolate when I was being a Debbie Downer. So I was building a better community with my co-workers (which I didn’t think was possible at first), with my church friends (who were also helping me build a better relationship with God), and I’ve been trying to spend more time with my family and friends.

Sure, life still kinda sucks, my bills are still really high, and I’m still working 7:30-8:30 days, but there are lessons to be learned. Postgrad life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Honestly, it sucks. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I was back in undergrad, but unfortunately, time does not stop for anyone. But this experience has taught me that I can’t be given everything and I honestly have to keep working to find what I really want. Maybe I will go to law school or maybe I won’t…but in the end, it’s the people God places in your life that will keep you going. You’ll win some and you’ll lose some, but God knows who to keep around and who will constantly support you.

And I’m probably saying all this “positive-ness” cause it’s my only day off this week (ugh, Monday is the WORST day to have off..seriously) and I’ve been in bed till now, but seriously, for all of you in your postgrad life and hating it (believe me I am so with you), hang in there. If anyone can handle anything, it’s God, who made you, hence, YOU CAN DO IT. Now I’ll probably be spewing a different song tomorrow, especially since I should be studying for the LSATs (ugh yes, I’m re-taking them to make up for my not so hot scores), but for right now, just live a little with me! Let’s make every day count and help yourself to some chocolate, or cake, or beef, or whatever you’re in the mood for!

For those of you who made it all the way to the end of this blog…God bless ya. Seriously, I’m not a writer and this is probably a seriously boring blog, but meh, if anyone gets to read this and is slightly encouraged, my job is done.

~Boots