Insomnia

I hate it when I can’t sleep.

Maybe this is a good thing for a lot of people. If you can’t sleep, you get more hours in the day. You can catch up on things you didn’t get a chance to do during the day. You can watch your favorite TV show, movie, re-runs, whatever. Alright, I know I’m not helping my case, so I’ll make this quick. When I’m stuck alone, staying up all night…I think about my future. 

What is the meaning of life? What am I meant to do? And the list goes on and on and on. I constantly want to skip  5 years of my life so I can just see where I’m at! Am I going to go to grad school (It would be a miracle if I even got in with my numbers and scores)? Am I going to work all these part-time jobs for the rest of my life? Where am I even going to live?! I just have all these thoughts running around in my head and I just want to sleep for Pete’s sake! 

Will there ever be a time where I won’t have so many questions in my head? 

Going Back Home

Now I know going back home is supposed to be something you do around Thanksgiving, or Christmas time, but for those of us who can’t afford holiday airfare, we wait just a hair bit longer.

So I am on my track back to the state of O-H (and everyone else says??), and I must say I’m a mix of excited and…scared? I’m honestly not sure if that’s even the right word. Nonetheless, it’s been a pretty long time since I’ve been back home and to be honest, I’m not sure what to expect.

Sure, I still complain about how much my life is in a constant rut where I wake up every day to the same thing here in Sunny California, but at the same time, I’m starting to hit my comfortable stage. The stage where I KNOW what to expect in my day. Catch my drift?

Going home I’m going to be catching up with people I haven’t seen for weeks, months, and years! Not to mention I’m going to be in snow! I haven’t seen snow in a YEAR..now that’s pretty impressive (in my opinion) for a native Ohioan. I’ll be seeing how much everyone’s changed. My friends, my city..my home.

Now I’m not going to lie. If I look back five years from now and see myself where I am now..I think I would be a little disappointed, but this new year, I promised myself I would try and see things in a different perspective. For instance, last year, I would’ve seen myself as a failure. Someone who graduated from college but couldn’t get into her first choice grad school nor get a full time job AND struggling. When I could see myself as a recent college graduate, trying to find her direction, and is somehow managing living on her own in expensive California, but nonetheless, SURVIVING. Kinda makes it sound a little more positive..hopefully..

Well anyway, here’s to a new adventure in a new year. According to the Chinese New Year it’s the year of the sheep (my year!), so hopefully it’s a lucky one?

Or..I’ll just keep praying (:

Traveling..

When you travel, isn’t it impossible to NOT think about money?

Oh, how much did lunch cost? How much did the hotel cost? The plane ticket?! So on and so forth.

So my point is..I hate money. Okay, I know that’s everyone’s beef too, but seriously, I hate money. I work with money. I see money. I spend money. I have bills that I pay for with money. I…need money.

Why can’t I just go off doing what I want without the fear of how much I spend?! Why can’t I just see that steak dinner for $30 and not feel like I burned a hole in my wallet? I feel like I can’t appreciate the finer things in life becaue I’m so concerned with how much I should spend at the grocery store. How much I can’t save because I’m literally living pay check by pay check?

Alright..I know I shouldn’t complain so much, because I do have a roof above my head, but that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

The reason I bring all this up is because I am actually in Japan (yes, I know I should be grateful – and I am!!) and I want to buy the world here. It’s one of the most beautiful countries I’ve ever seen and if I could afford it (or speak the langauge) I would..live here. The crazy thing is, I just wish I could be assertive. Pack my bags and just do it! But I guess I’m not that brave yet…

Till then..I’ll still be counting each yen I have in my pocket.

~Boots

Friends

..that’s such an interesting word.

Now I only say this because I’ve had a lot of “friends” that have come and gone, but in the end I’ve always wondered why friendships fall apart, why and how they could have been your friend in the first place when they were going to leave you anyway, etc.

Granted, I know some of these relationships have fallen apart because of my decisions and actions, but some of them, I’d like to think it wasn’t me…

Anywho, I bring this up for a couple of reasons. One, it’s nearly impossible for me nowadays to even hang out with my friends (read previous posts as to why), and honestly, they don’t really text me to see if I want to hang out with them. Which brings me to my next point. Are they your friends still?

I was hoping to hang out with one of the few people I have met here when I moved to California, and I must admit it has been a couple months since I’ve seen or heard from her. So I texted her, hoping to hang out, and she responds saying she might be free but she wasn’t sure if she was hanging out with her, “friends.” Well..alright. So, what does that make me? Not her friend?

Maybe I’m just being emotional, but I definitely would be lying if I said this didn’t touch a nerve. Friendship has certainly become an awkward line of confusing and possibly frustrating. Anyone has any tips?

I know…so much for keeping my head high. Welp, off to work blogging world.

~Boots

Tis the Season..

I’m pretty sure after Halloween, everyone seems to be more interested in Christmas.

What happened to Thanksgiving?! Do we not like giving thanks? The hot, smokin’ turkey on the middle of the table? Pumpkin Pie?!

Hey, I love Christmas as much as the next person, and I sure love giving and getting gifts, but I personally think one of the greatest gifts people can give is giving thanks.

Small words and small gestures can seriously go a LONG way.

To be absolutely honest, this past week was torture for me. I was scheduled to work 33 hours (not including my other jobs at church, teaching lessons, and teaching beginner strings classes) and my day off THIS week isn’t till Saturday. So in other words, I’m basically working two weeks straight UNTIL this Saturday. Yipee.

So granted, my spirits aren’t exactly chipper, nor was I in the festive spirit once Halloween came around. But here comes that small gracious moment of a small gesture. In my whole 23 years of life, I have never carved a pumpkin. My mother was insistent that Halloween was a holiday from the devil, so even carving pumpkins could be portrayed as sinful. (Yes, believe me, I know she’s crazy.) So carving pumpkins was left out in my induction towards adulthood.

I began the past week with a positive mind, knowing that work would literally destroy me, but every time I passed the grocery store on my way to work, the lonely pumpkin outside the front door began haunting me slowly.

Saturday FINALLY arrived, and as I flew out the double doors out of work and into the luscious cold breeze after a rainstorm (and yes! Southern California finally got RAIN), I knew I wanted to do something different that day. My boyfriend had texted me after work and said he wanted to meet up. Well, I certainly wasn’t going to object to that and as soon as he arrived at my place, we went straight to Ralph’s.

On a side note, I love my boyfriend, I truly do. Even though I have a hard time saying it every day, I honestly don’t mind the fact that we are serious homebodies and prefer to watch Netflix than go out, so the fact that we were even stepping outside is a HUGE thing for us.

So back at Ralph’s, that lurking box of pumpkins was at the front door again, and after taking a quick glance at it, the small gesture of kindness came in a moment. Before I knew it, that pumpkin was in the grocery cart, along with a festive scented candle and my boyfriend swiped his debit card. I couldn’t believe I was going to randomly carve my first pumpkin!

I know it’s a bit silly, but honestly, it was the best thing that happened to me last week. It was such a breather and a relaxer to just take that moment to be a kid! That small act of kindness is what brought me into this week, knowing that I’ll always have things to look forward to, no matter how big or small.

So if you’re going into that long week of work, keep your chin up! The sun will shine after the rain…even if the rain has been going for a long time above my head…either way, let’s try being more thankful this year, and not forget that lonely turkey that’s coming up at the end of this month.

~Boots

P.S. I ended up carving Totoro (the picture above), if you don’t know who this loveable creature is, I suggest that you look him up IMMEDIATELY. (:

Life After College…

…was not at all how I imagined it.

To tell the truth, I am a bit naive, foolish, and perhaps too hopeful, but why should that stop a twenty something year old from “making it?”

But what does “making it” even mean? What does it mean to be successful now-a-days? If anyone could give me a straightforward, positive answer, that would be much appreciated.

Nevertheless, here begins the story of my postgrad life..er rather, here begins the story of, “what the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life?!”

So graduation happened. May 2014. I can still remember the hugs, the final goodbyes, and all the pictures (obviously, since they’re still on Facebook). “I’m free!” I thought. No more papers, no more 7:30 AM classes, no more one-on-one meetings with professors, no more “caf food,” no more roommate, just no more! My initial feelings were liberating. My mother always told me I could never graduate from college, and here I was, able to rub my degree in her face. Graduation was honestly a great day.

Then the next morning happened. “What are you going to do now?” I thought. What was I going to do…

I had graduated that day with a History and Political Thought degree. Now I know what you’re thinking: “You really can’t get a job with that degree.” And my response to you, world, would be: “Hey! For once in my life I stuck with a degree that I was interested in, is that so bad?!” I had two paths to choose from after graduation: Law school or …something else? I know, great choices (note sarcasm). And, as many of you could guess, I chose the latter.

To be honest, the drop out rate for law school, the increase of my school loans, and the fact that I would have to stay another three years under my mother’s negative roof petrified me. Sure, I lived the past two years away from home, but that was college! Living with my mom again was something I was not prepared to do after two years of glorious freedom. On a side note, I love my mother, I really do. She raised three kids on her own and sacrificed a lot, but that does not erase the fact that she is still a stereotypical, crazy, Asian mother.

After my decision, my mother did what all crazy Asian mothers would do…she disowned me. If I wasn’t going to go to law school, welp, then I’m no longer her daughter. Well, that’s great. So here I am, this twenty something girl from Ohio stuck in a rut. So what do I decide to do? I go back to California!

That decision in itself was foolish in many ways. One, I didn’t have a real plan. Two, I had no job. Three, I had bills and loans towering way higher than the leaning tower of Pisa! Also, I just randomly decided to buy a used car (aka I just gave myself another bill). I made so many random decisions in the span of two weeks that I was freaking out! This was incredibly unlike me. I’m calculated, I think things through, and I certainly do NOT just “go with the flow.”

So my wonderful older sister made the drive out with me from Ohio to California and man did we book it! We made it across the country in two days with my tiny Honda Civic and I began my life in California. I was a tad bit lucky because for the first couple months, a great friend of mine and I decided to live together for a little bit, house sitting for our professor, so from May-July, things were great. Everything was within walking distance and I was able to get a job with the bank that was a few blocks from the place.

Then the fact that I would be homeless kicked in and I started hating my new job each day I went. I began scrambling for a new place to live, whether it was from Google or craigslist, I was desperate! During my house search, I was able to land another job at a Presbyterian church and my new boss let me stay at her house for a couple weeks dog sitting, while I was still searching. The anxiety and the panic consumed me. I was working 30+ hours, not getting enough money, and my bills were getting higher instead of lower. I seriously thought postgrad life was supposed to be the time where you find your decent paying job! The time where you stretch your wings! Okay..now I know I’m getting a bit cheesy, but still! This was horrible. I began questioning whether or not I should go back home and beg my mom for forgiveness. But..I just couldn’t do it. My pride took over.

I started going to a Korean-American church a week before my boss was going to give me the boot from her house. To say I was pleasantly surprised is an absolute understatement. The congregation as a whole welcomed me so much that first day, tears were welling up in my eyes! I began building new friendships and connections, that I genuinely started believing I was meant to be in California.

I was able to rent a room in a house for a decent (but still super expensive!) price and I still hated going to work every day. But hey, somebody has to pay the bills! Then September rolled around and I was able to get another job at a law firm (thanks to the church I was going to), and I was able to pick up extra violin students at a middle school my college had referred me to. So by September, I was working a total of 5 jobs and working 7:30-8:30 days.

Then something hit me.

I didn’t want to live like this. Every day after work I was exhausted, and every day after work, I still wasn’t making enough to pay my bills! My students loans were constantly knocking on my door and each day I felt like my heart was getting heavier and heavier. But something was different this time. This time, I had a community. Now granted, my aunt, sister, brother, best friend, and boyfriend were constantly supporting me through my transition, but they also had their own life to lead that they couldn’t always hand me a piece of chocolate when I was being a Debbie Downer. So I was building a better community with my co-workers (which I didn’t think was possible at first), with my church friends (who were also helping me build a better relationship with God), and I’ve been trying to spend more time with my family and friends.

Sure, life still kinda sucks, my bills are still really high, and I’m still working 7:30-8:30 days, but there are lessons to be learned. Postgrad life is not all rainbows and butterflies. Honestly, it sucks. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I was back in undergrad, but unfortunately, time does not stop for anyone. But this experience has taught me that I can’t be given everything and I honestly have to keep working to find what I really want. Maybe I will go to law school or maybe I won’t…but in the end, it’s the people God places in your life that will keep you going. You’ll win some and you’ll lose some, but God knows who to keep around and who will constantly support you.

And I’m probably saying all this “positive-ness” cause it’s my only day off this week (ugh, Monday is the WORST day to have off..seriously) and I’ve been in bed till now, but seriously, for all of you in your postgrad life and hating it (believe me I am so with you), hang in there. If anyone can handle anything, it’s God, who made you, hence, YOU CAN DO IT. Now I’ll probably be spewing a different song tomorrow, especially since I should be studying for the LSATs (ugh yes, I’m re-taking them to make up for my not so hot scores), but for right now, just live a little with me! Let’s make every day count and help yourself to some chocolate, or cake, or beef, or whatever you’re in the mood for!

For those of you who made it all the way to the end of this blog…God bless ya. Seriously, I’m not a writer and this is probably a seriously boring blog, but meh, if anyone gets to read this and is slightly encouraged, my job is done.

~Boots